Heart to heart as I leave 2014.

4:44 PM

It is 2015... can't believe 2014 has ended. Although it is a good thing that we are all moving forward to 2015, but at the same time I do feel a little unsatisfied. Is it because I have not really achieved what I wanted in 2014? If I were to talk about the moment that affected my 2014... the first few things that came to mind are being hurt and going through the process of healing my broken heart. It's not because I was only thinking about dating, or that I dated many many guys that made my 2014 seem that way. This topic is actually something I want to share but was not ready until today. :)

You see, my friends know what I went through, hence this gift I got today from Isabel... :)

Girls who have been hurt before would love this quote! But guys, don't misunderstand... it doesn't mean anything bad. All it means is that a man should be loving and gentle towards his woman, while being strong and able to take care and be there for their woman. However, if a man mistreats his woman, then guess what? They are trash and disposable. Every woman deserves to be treated well and respected, after all didn't you come out from a woman? #justsaying

So on April 2013 I met someone, and that guy made me feel like as if I fell in love for the first time. Everything was perfect, our connection, chemistry, everything. Both of us were very attracted to each other. However, when a problem occur, he chose to not trust me when I was innocent, he did not even give me a chance to talk. Question... is that how you treat someone you care about? Instead, he would ignore all calls and text messages (from other people who were involved in the situation as well). So technically he's the type that runs away from problems.

You know the saying, when you are in love you are literally BLIND! So yes I was blinded and could not see all of that, but I kept forgiving him over and over because I loved him. You may call me stupid at that time, but don't forget that women are loving creatures, when they love someone, they really go all out and invest their whole heart. Unfortunately in our modern society, both men and women aren't able to invest so much anymore because if we did we will end up getting hurt. Part of me wonders... what has happened to our modern generation? Feels like there's no true love anymore. 

Anyways back to the story... we were off and on for over a year and finally I came to a point where I put my foot down and walked away. I blocked him on Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, WeChat, Line... basically whatever social media platforms. 

It was a very painful and suffering journey for me for 2014... I was very much affected by it mentally, emotionally and physically. I was in depression for a while, on and off crying in the night especially when i'm not working or at events. Every morning I wake up I feel like crap and have to find distractions, keep going out, partying, or whatever. But I always had the fear of seeing him again because I don't know how I would feel... but thinking about it does scare me. 

I choose to share this today because it is 2015... 2014 is gone, and so will this history. This is my way of expressing and releasing the negativity out of my life as I start 2015 fresh! :)

In every bad there is a good right? So there were things I learnt in this process:

  1. I was NEVER alone. I constantly had friends and family being there for me when I needed someone. There were times I felt like even talking to a friend does not take the pain away... but what's important was that they were there for me and I was not alone. 
  2. I learnt to pick myself up even if I had to force myself to. As the saying goes "God helps those who help themselves"... if you refused to pick yourself up, no one can help you. :)
  3. To love myself. When I was in that awful process I learnt that I didn't really love myself like I thought I do. Loving self does not only mean pampering yourself, shopping, what not... Self love comes from within. Love and respect also comes hand in hand. So if you love yourself, you will respect yourself enough to walk away from people who mistreats you. Although it won't be easy to walk away from someone you love, but at the end of the day, it is better to break your own heart than to stay with someone who will break your heart everyday. No one has the right to hurt you other than yourself. 
  4. This whole roller coaster ride kinda showed me what I want and do not want from a guy. I also learn to follow my instincts... if I feel something isn't right, I would start walking away step by step, unless that person proves me wrong through his actions. The moment I notice any signs of anything my barrier would automatically go up. However this one may not be as healthy? But hey once bitten twice shy. 
  5. When you are feeling sad, never push them aside and act like nothing happened. It is important to feel... experience it, learn from it and move on. So yes there will be times I would listen to sad songs and cry my eyes off, sometimes crying is a healing therapy too. :)
It has been about 6 months since the break up, do I miss him? Truth is no, I don't miss him and hell I don't want him back. But if I tell you I don't feel anything for him that would be a lie... because right now... I feel hatred towards him, maybe in time it will all go away. :)

Will I love again? I definitely would! :) But I don't trust. Up till today, I have not met anyone that is up to my expectations. Some of my friends told me, when that person is the one for you, you will just know it... even with all the problems happening in the relationship. I hope to feel that one day, but for now I'm going to focus on me... when it comes it comes. :)

So this is the end of my sorrow of 2014... 2015... I do not only hope, but I want an amazing experience! 

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  1. You had a beautiful life in 2014 but will greater than 2014. Good luck 😃


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